Ash Like Snow
by xXSadisticChiibiiXx
Summary: "I will not ask for anything else. I will not hope. I will not dream. I will not...feel. Just please... Let it end." Warning: Blood, blood, blood. Possible OOC? SebastianxGrell Request fic. OuO YAOI. NO LIKE, Y U NO LIKE YAOI! T 3 T
1. Is Falling Down From Your Sky

**_______Story Request Fanfiction_**

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This is our first story request~ YAY! We hopes we did justice to it! XDD  
**EDITED:** The one who requested for this fic to be made decided to finally show herself~ YAY!

**Deona Lindholm** sankyuuu very much for your request deary~! OuO

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**_______Ash Like Snow  
________~ *SC* ~_**

_Rated: K+  
__Genre: Hurt/Comfort, Tragedy  
Pairing: SebastianxGrell_

**__****________****DISCLAIMER: **_________WE DO NOT OWN KUROSHITSUJI/BLACK BUTLER OR ANY OF ITS CHARACTERS. WE ONLY OWN **THIS FANFICTION STORY **ITSELF._

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. . . ~*SC*~ . . .

Winter.

Grell hates this season the most. Why must a cold season such as this be created? The gods must have been very lonely and bored for making ridiculous stuffs like this. _'Who needs snow anyway? No living thing has ever needed snow.'_ He thought to himself. And he can't even think of one good thing about its existence. He frowned.

As if on cue, the dark night skies started producing small droplets of white little fluff balls of snow, it was like raining cotton balls. Grell's frown deepened.

They fall mercilessly in your hair and clothes...and to the streets and alleys. Making everything soaked in melted snow. Daylights were turned cold, nighttime were even colder. Everyone should find the season irritating and bothersome as well, but why does everyone seems celebrating and he's the only one feeling this way?

Grell looked up, raising both of his gloved hands with open palms, as he watch those little snow flakes softly and slowly damps them.

Even though it brings nothing but problems, everyone is still celebrating and happy for its existence. It was...

_'...unfair.'_

Grell stared blankly at the lively crowd in the busy streets of London for a little more while, the town was full of beautiful lights warming everyone below, before he turned his back on them and jumps through many rooftops out of the crowded place, hugging his red coat close around his body all the while. It was the only coat he's wearing and it's not helping in keeping him warm in any way at all.

Grell mentally kicks himself for not taking another _proper for cold weather_ coat with him tonight.

But he had work to do. And William made sure he do it properly and_ on time_. He can't be delayed just because he's cold and lacks something to warm him. His Supervisor was more irritable in cold weathers, he hates it as well and 'overtimes' at times like this is just out of the question.

_"You idiot! How many times do I have to tell you to finish your paper work on time?!" William growled, slamming his fist in his office table as he stand from his seat. His other hand summoning his scythe._

_"But Will! I got back late because the souls tried fighting ba-" The redhead reasoned out but William had thrown him into a wall, his Supervisor's death scythe stabbing through his right shoulder pinning him in place into the wall behind him. __Grell cried in pain, tears started staining his pale cheeks, and blood had also started staining his white-dress shirt._

_William stabbed his scythe into the redhead's shoulder deeper, looming over the pained redhead he said, "Finish your job on time Sutcliff. If those paper work of yours earn me another overtime, I'm going to rip this arm off seeing that it's useless just like your brain. Do you understand me?" He hissed, as he pierced his scythe even deeper ripping a few more flesh from Grell's shoulder._

_Grell gasped at the pain in his abused shoulder. He stared wide-eyed at his Supervisor's merciless eyes and nodded, William finally took a step back retracting his scythe out of the redhead's shoulder in a rough manner leaving a more agonizing pain._

Grell flinched at the painful memory and from the still bleeding wound in his right shoulder. It was terrifying that he had run out of the realm shaking without even tending to his wound first and having to grab another coat with him.

He loved William but the bastard had been taking his beatings into another level. And it's becoming more and more painful everyday...it was starting to get unbearable even for the masochistic side of the redhead. He was so sure that one of these days, William would have killed him with his beatings and the guy could care less about it.

He took a deep breath, closing his eyes shut to stop any more tears from falling.

Death God's don't get colds easily nor get sick, of any kind, easily as well. But it is still possible, specially when you're very injured and bleeding, and depressed, and only wears a thin white-dress shirt under a vest, an underwear, and a tight pants in this kind of season. And don't forget his red socks and high-heeled boots.

His high-heeled shoes...

Grell stare at them. It was the same shoes he wears everyday that he so love, but now it was soaked and buried under a thick pile of snow on the dim lit street he happens to land at from traveling on roofs. Seeing the poor state of his shoes should have been enough to make him lose it and declare war at the pile of snow he's standing at now.

But he's not in the mood, rather he's very tired and cold and lacks the energy for the action to take place. He only heaved a sigh instead.

He continued his walk, leaving a trail of footprints on its wake. Grell turned and stare at them for a moment, thinking how lonely they all look...down there in the snow.

Grell run back to where his very first footprint is, and stand close beside it. Looking at it, he started walking beside them, carefully synchronizing his every step to his other ones. Once done with his last step, he turns once again and smile at his work like a proud child. His once lonely footprints, now looked like lovers had been there, each steps beautifully synchronized with each other just like their heartbeats as they both cross such a cold and lonely street.

Grell smiled sadly to himself. _'Lovers...yeah, how I just wish...'_

"Whatever is it down there to be smiling at?" A cold voice suddenly asked, snapping Grell out of his thoughts.

His eyes then landed on a more pleasant sight, his face immediately brightens. "Sebas-chaaaan~!" Grell squeal in his high-pitched voice, throwing his person to the handsome demon completely disregarding any pain from his right arm. But the demon butler only side-stepped perfectly avoiding him, resulting for his person to be shoved through piles of snow, face first.

"You shouldn't be here, reaper." Sebastian continued, not pleased at the redhead's presence at all.

"Aww...can't even say my name now? How rude~" He pouted. Grell struggled to pull himself up from the snowy ground with his injured arm, he was only able to sit up rubbing his red nose with his good arm. "Why not?"

"My young master and I are investigating this place, do not get in the way."

"Oh? So the brat is here after all? And here I thought I finally have you to myself~" Grell whined, a pout still in place.

Suddenly, a strong arm lifted him from his position on the cold ground with his collar. The redhead yelped. "Do not speak of my master like that." The butler hissed, before throwing Grell away with force that made the redhead roll repeatedly to the snow a few feet away. Grell gasped at the impact as his body soon hit a wall stopping any further movements. His body slumped back down at the cold ground, his wound bleeding severely once again.

_'Shit...'_

Sebastian walk towards him and kick his body into facing him, the butler's black dress shoe landing roughly in his chest breaking a few bones in the process. Grell lets out a soundless gasp and coughs up some blood before smiling at the demon. "My~ No need to be violent with me today Sebby...I just need to reap some soul near this place and then I'm done, okaaay~?"

The butler coldly stare down at him with calculating eyes, but then the demon's eyes landed on his wounded shoulder. The demon must have smelled it now under his red coat since it was now bleeding too much, coating the snow below him a deep shade of red.

"W-what is it...?" Grell asked nervously. It wouldn't be good if the demon suddenly feel the need to add more damage in his right shoulder. It would be very very bad. He feared that he might actually lost his arm.

Sebastian narrowed his eyes, glowing in the dark night. "Finish your job, and be gone." The demon then released him from being pinned on the ground and walked away like nothing happened.

Grell took the needed breath, puffing air from the heavy cold wind but just lie there unmoving, staring at the night sky. "Why can't you love me just like you love that child?" He said softly after a moment, almost like a whisper only to himself.

Sebastian halted, with his supernatural hearing he had heard what the redhead said very clearly. "I am a demon. I do not_ love_, nor feel that way with my master." The demon then said, still without turning his back to face the redhead.

Grell's eyes widen, a bit surprise that the butler had heard him. He chuckle. "That's what you say, but you reacted as soon as he was called a 'brat'."

"He is my master, no one is to speak of my master like that."

"Then...would you do the same for me if ever I was contracted to you, Sebby?"

Sebastian did not answer and continued to walk away, but before he completely disappear into the darkness he said, "It is only natural. But know this, I will never make a contract with the likes of you."

Grell watch the butler's retreating back until it fades into the night, he closed his eyes briefly before returning to look back into the dark sky. A small sad smile in his pale lips. "I know."

Ash.

A moment ago, they all look like raining cotton balls.

But now...

They are nothing but falling ashes.

Grell now finally remembered. The sky had burned them a very long time ago. His hopes and dreams. His happiness. They were all nothing but lies. Every time Grell looks at the sky, it glows and brings down new promises. A new day, another chance of living and fulfilling your dreams, to be happy and be_ loved_ for another day. He would smile and believe in those promises. But they were all lies. His hopes were alone in the desolated night sky. They soared high until they were crushed and burned in the hands of those who hates him the most.

The skies laughed down on him everyday he believed in them, and at the end of every year the gods will make them fall down on him. To remind him.

With his own eyes, he watched them fall.

Those ashes...that came solely from his own. Burned by the heavens.

That's why it's cold.

Just like everyone.

And everything else.

His pain, that brings happiness to many.

Cold as snow.

But when tomorrow comes, he will believe in them once again like a naive child. He never learn. When will he ever learn? Or maybe he's already too used to it that he does not notice it anymore? The pain...no, he can still feel pain. It's normal to feel it everyday right? We can't leave without it. Or at least he can't, a day for him will not pass without pain or the gods will get mad and something worse will happen to him.

It's his own fault though, for asking too much. For asking something that can never be.

He got tired asking, 'Why can't he be happy like them?' 'Why can't someone love him?' 'Why can't he, just like everyone else?' All the years he have lived, he learned one thing. _He just can't_. It should be easy to understand.

Because even the heavens wants him to suffer.

He just learned to live with it, but...

Grell slowly reached a hand into the night sky, to something that he alone can see, a sullen expression in his face. In a soft voice he said, "I will not ask for anything else. I will not hope. I will not dream. I will not...feel. Just please..."

Unnoticed tears fell down, turning everything in a blur mess of white, gray and black. He whispered,

_"Let it end."_

From a far distance, a dark silhouette looks up at the same sky.

. . . ~*SC*~ . . .

"Will it scar?"

Undertaker sighed, finishing the final touch for the stitches. "M'dear, you literally had a hole in your shoulder damaging your collarbone from a _death scythe_. And you also have some broken ribs. 'Will it scar?' I think that you already are, dear Grell. This isn't the first time that I tend to your wounds and I've seen worse, but I don't think this will be the last either. Why are you letting yourself be treated this way? Should they not know how to treat a lady properly?"

Grell gave him a tired smile for being refer to as a lady. Undertaker always know how to cheer him up, but he knew that he shouldn't bother the other reaper with his own problems as well. The mortician is only showing his kindness to his own kind and nothing else. The Undertaker does not deserve to be involve in his messed up life, and whatever it is that is left in his sanity.

They were very different from each other, seeing a frown in the other's usually grinning and laughing person only shows how selfish he really is. Grell felt happy and cared for from the small concern he was given, it was all he can get after all.

Selfish...

_'I like seeing them worried because of me. No wonder...it's no wonder everyone hates me. I only think about myself and nothing else...I-'_

"M'dear, it's alright..." The Undertaker said, waking him out of his thoughts. "Don't cry, everything will be alright~"

Grell's eyes widen. _'Crying? What is he talking about...? I'm not crying...'_ He reached a glove-less hand to his cheek only to be damped by a wet trail of tears that won't stop falling. "I'm not...why...?"

"Sshh...it's fine, it's healthy to let it out once in a while~" Undertaker hushed smiling, petting the redhead's hair.

"I'm...sorry. You don't have to do this..."

"Yes, I know. But it saddens me to see you like this m'dear."

Grell tried desperately to wipe the tears in his face but flinched when he tried moving his right arm. He sighed, but smile his usual grin showing rows of his shark-like teeth. "Looks like I need to learn now how to do my paper works with my left arm~"

"Ehehehehehe~ Let's just hope dear William also learns to understand your new handwriting~!" Undertaker laughed, the eerie cackling of his voice returning.

Grell laughed with him. _'It was nice to be able to laugh like this...' _Smiling to the other, he had decided. "This will be the last time." But his smile never reach his eyes.

Undertaker blink up at him confused but did not take it as anything and just shrugged it off, grinning still.

"I'm sorry to be a bother to you again Undertaker, this bandages just won't cooperate with me sometimes you know~"

"Ohh~ No problem m'dear~! Ehehehe~"

"Well, this will be the last time I'll let myself be wounded like this~ I'll make sure of it!" Grell beamed standing up from his seat, in his usual bouncing self.

"Good, good~!" The Undertaker cheered, happy that the redhead had returned to his normal self.

Grell thanked the Undertaker and said his goodbye in his usual flirtiness before walking out the shop, closing the door behind him in a gentle manner. As fast as his bright expressions returned then, the faster it disappeared behind the closed door, matching his eyes. Dull and empty.

For the rest of the night, he took off.

Inside the mortician's shop, the Undertaker sighed and done the same. A frown in his face. It had been always like this. The redhead will come to him beaten, just because the people around him is having a bad day and they took all their frustrations out on the poor thing or something like because they just hate his unwanted presence. The redhead will cry, he will cheer him up, and then Grell will return to normal again.

But it never ends.

It kept on repeating again and again, Undertaker had to wonder if the redhead is not getting tired of all that. He can't do any more than help him in tending his wounds, it's the least he can do for the redhead. He can't help him heal inside, emotionally. He just wished someone would try to care for once and put a stop to everything.

. . . ~*SC*~ . . .

Grell walked idly around the corner of an alley, he was just done reaping his last soul for the day, a woman's soul. The young woman had killed herself because apparently, she cannot live her life anymore. She was still so young and pretty, her family and friends love her, and her parents gave her everything that she wanted. She has a fiance that's head-over-heels in love with her and they were just about to get married in just a few months. Her cinematic records shows that she poisoned herself because she don't want to marry the guy anymore, but the guy won't leave her alone.

The scene lacks the beautiful red Grell is so looking forward on seeing in his every reap, and this just disappoints him even more. It was ridiculous. Pathetic even. To kill yourself in such a low matter. Humans are so fragile, give them a little problem and they are ready to end their lives just to avoid it.

In truth, Grell envied the life that girl lived. If she don't want it, how he hope he can have it instead. It is such a waste. Suicide is more of a cowardly thing to do. It shows weakness and hopelessness.

Why would someone as lucky as her want to end their lives? They don't understand. They will never understand. How it truly feels like, to be truly weak, and hopeless. To be loved by no one. And be alone when you needed someone to be there for you the most. How it truly hurts so bad...until you seek death's comforting hands.

Grell sat down on his office chair. He needed to finish his paper work now on time. But for a minute, he can't help but sat there and just blankly stare at his own hands thinking about the recent event.

Death...

He would have never thought that the idea would occur to him again, after he told himself never to surrender his life in death's hands ever again when he became a Shinigami. His person as a human then is as fragile, maybe it was wrong of him to judge the girl's decision in the first place? Grell shook his head, but then his eyes landed on his scythe unceremoniously thrown in his table. It was again demoted in those pair of embarrassing scissors.

He hated it. It was degrading and disgusting. It can't make his victims bleed and be bathed in their own blood. It can't create such a mesmerizing sight like his beloved chainsaw.

It can't draw too much blood...

Grell stare at it for a little more while and before he knew it, a trail of blood had drop in his shirt's sleeves from the thin slash in his wrist made by his scissors.

He gasped in surprise and immediately wipe it with his handkerchief, tying it around the wound after. He sighed in relief. Sometimes he wonder what really is his purpose on living. Everyone that he loved hates his existence, even those who he don't love hates his existence just the same. Grell shook his head once again, shaking the thoughts off his mind. He had paper work to do.

After hours of working, he stood and gather all his finished paper works. It needs to be in his Boss' table at 10am. Grell looked at the clock hanging on the wall, it's already 9:45am, he still have fifteen minutes to deliver it to his Supervisor's table.

He stretch and rubbed his neck with his good arm, flinching whenever a nerve in his right shoulder is moved. It had taken him a good amount of time including his sleep time to finish all his paper works, who would have thought that writing using your left hand is that hard, specially when you're trying to make your handwriting intelligible. Grell had more respect now to those who can write properly in both hands.

He walked out of his office with his paper works in hand and run to his Supervisor's office. He does not need to run since it's only a five minutes walk from his office to William's but, just to be sure. He does not need another hole in his body. He don't know either if he should be happy that William's scythe had missed his soul that day.

Grell took a deep breath and exhaled. He should really take the thought of dying out of his mind. But how can he? He himself is death. He brings death to those who's time is up. He sighed, stopping in front of William's office. He was about to barge in just like any other day but the voices inside stopped him.

"Why are you telling me this? If he wants to bleed to death then let him."

"William T. Spears, that is enough! You-"

_'Undertaker?' _Grell thought in surprise, listening more closely.

"Undertaker, you have my full respect to you as a great legendary reaper. But you can't tell me what to do with my officers. You are in no power to do so. If Grell wants to die, then let him. Whether he be killed or he kill himself, I could care less. It's even for the best."

"You are impossible."

Grell stood shaking to where he stand outside, with eyes that burns from the tears that wanted to fall, a lump in his throat.

He heard footsteps coming for the door. He wanted to run and pretend that he didn't hear them, but he can't move. His body was frozen in place. He can't...

The door then bursts open to reveal a scowling Undertaker. Grell stare at him wide eyed, still unable to move or speak.

"Grell..." Undertaker said, as surprised as the redhead. Even William had tensed and stopped in doing his paper work at the mention of his name.

Grell tried hard to swallow the lump in his throat and force the most fake smile he can muster. "Undertaker~! Fancy seeing you here~ Why the long face darling~?"

"I-"

"Here~ Would you mind handing this to my dear William? It's all done~! Now, I need sleep~! Bye!" Grell stated as fast as he can, handing Undertaker all his finished paper works before running off as fast.

Grell run, he didn't know where but anywhere is fine as long as it's far from them. He had heard Undertaker called after him, but he can't stop himself from running away anymore, he's tears have started falling as soon as he turned his back on them. He can't let them see it. His tears.

It hurts...

Like a burning knife cutting through his insides...

Each cut slowly burning him...

He stumble down in some random place outside of London. It was mid-afternoon, but the snow has yet to stop falling. Every trees and grass are covered by the cold substance but Grell did not care as he slump down the cold ground and sobbed, holding himself. He cried harder each heart beat.

He didn't know William felt hate strongly for him. He wanted him to die. _'He said it's for the best...'_

Grell smile sadly looking at his hands, his own death scythe in tow. _'Once again, it had come to this huh...?'_

"I hate myself."

The sky is dyed red, and in the distance the bright red sky is swallowed up by the darkness once again. In this transient moment as the snowing ashes fall,

_'Let me burn with them._

_Alone in this desolated sky, _

_I will soar high until I am crushed and burned, _

_And my ashes will fall down._

_From your sky..._

_My ashes will fall down.'_

. . . ~*SC*~ . . .

Sebastian run through thick piles of snow and soon decided that jumping from tree to tree is much easier and faster. He had just sense a strong scent of blood near the area he's investigating, another murder, he just wish it will bring him another clue so they can finally solve this case and move on. In all honesty, all these deaths are getting old. The butler moved fast, wanting to get there as soon as possible, he might even catch the culprit right there and then if he got lucky and the bastard is slow.

His mind then wonders off, to that night. He didn't mean to be extra violent with the redhead, it's just that the idiot is at the wrong place at the wrong time. He was at his end point that night, the culprit had managed to escape him again and it's not the first time. He had felt the need to hit something and when that bouncing redhead came into view he had acted without thinking. He used the redhead's flamboyant nature as a reason to hit him. It was harsh of him, even for his standards...

Sebastian shook his head.

He's a demon.

Nothing is too harsh for him, never in his standards.

The redhead's words though had somehow put an effect on him that day.

_"I will not ask for anything else. I will not hope. I will not dream. I will not...feel. Just please..."_

_"Let it end."_

He didn't know what it's all about but...

"What a sad thing to say." The butler smirked. Leaving it all to the redhead's dramatic and poetic nature.

Sebastian then stopped dead in his tracks as soon as his eyes had landed at the red lump in the middle of nothing but white snow. Walking closer to it, the butler realized that it's not one body involve in the case he is investigating. It's just Grell sitting there, his long red hair cascading beautifully like a waterfall of blood around his body, his back facing him.

His own blood pooling below around him.

Curious, Sebastian walk closely beside him. "Grell..."

Grell's eyes slowly flutters open, a pair of tired and reddish eyes landing on his own. "Sebastian...? What...what is it?"

"Grell, what are you-"

"What...? You want me...to die too...right? You want me...to...die." The redhead said softly, averting his eyes back to the snowy ground.

Sebastian's brows narrowed. "What are you talking abou-"

"You hate me too...you hate...why...?"

He stare at the redhead in disbelief, whatever happened to him to be in this kind of state? Looking closely, the redhead was full of deep wounds around his entire body, all bleeding heavily. _'Did he do this on his own?'_

Grell sat up straight, tears had started flowing down his tired eyes once again. "Why...? Why Sebastian? You don't like my hair...?" The redhead asked in his weak voice, getting hold of his red hair with his weakened and bloodied hands. "Then...let's take it off..."

Sebastian remained speechless and confuse as he watched the redhead cut his beautiful red hair that he took pride of. His eyes widen. He could not believe his own eyes, Grell had cut his hair. Never did the butler ever thought that the redhead would do such a thing.

Grell whimpers at the loss of his hair, he had cut it very very short just like when he was still in the academy with William. _'William...' _The redhead thought sadly, his eyes burn as more tears forced their release.

"Grell stop this..."

"What is? You still...hate me...? What is it...? You hate...my face? You don't like...my face too right...Sebby?"

"What? Grell-"

"Let's...take it off too~" Grell hold his scythe tightly in his hand, starting above his temple he run the blades deep down his cheeks to his jaw, drawing more blood from his face. A ragged mark of deep cut from his shaking hands.

Sebastian gasped in horror, he took hold of the scissor in the redhead's hand and throw it away. Putting his both hands on Grell's shoulders, he shook him. "Grell!" He called.

Grell blink blindly at him weakly.

"Grell!" Sebastian called again.

"Why are you shouting...? I did...my paper work Will..."

Sebastian's eyes glowed in anger. "Grell, it's me. Sebastian..."

"Sebby...?"

Sebastian nodded and Grell gave him a weak smile. "Don't hurt me...I will leave..."

"I will not hurt you."

"Why...? But they will get mad at you..."

"Who?"

"Them...they will get mad...hurt me..." Grell said in a low voice, his nails severing his wounds.

"You are talking non-sense, Grell. Stop hurting yourself!" The butler growled, grabbing the redhead's hands to his own. "Stop, Grell. What is happening to you?"

Grell looked at him with glazed eyes, he was looking straight to his eyes but it's more of he was looking through him. He's in a daze, in his own world...a nightmare.

"Grell, wake up." He shook him again. But Grell continued to stare into space mumbling things he don't understand. The butler tried to pull him up, _'It must be because of too much blood loss. He's...hallucinating.'_ Sebastian thought in concern. It's the first that he does not know what to do, and it's making him nervous and...scared for the redhead."Grell, I'm going to take you with me."

"No...no..." The redhead tried to protest but lack the strength to do so. Sebastian had carried him bridal style in his arms, staining the butler's clothes with his blood. "Please...stop...leave me..." He tried again.

"No."

"W-why..." Grell hiccups, his tears had dried down. He had no more tears to cry. "Please, Sebastian...I want it to end...let it end...please..."

Sebastian froze, he stare at the red mess in his arms. He looked so weak and fragile. Is this what he meant by his words that night? He wanted to end...his life? He frowned. "No."

"Why...?"

"Because I hate you that much. I will not let you die."

Grell was taken aback, then he laughed coughing up blood in the process. "But it's for the best...he said..."

"No, Grell."

"But William said..."

"I don't care what that bastard said!" Sebastian snapped. "I don't care! Don't listen to him! He's an imbecile! A stuck-up-"

"Sebastian...why are you maaaad?"

Sebastian stopped. Why is he mad? Why? _'Why...'_ He didn't know either. But this just made him mad, so mad and angry that he wanted to snapped the bastard's neck right at this moment. Break his bones everywhere so excruciatingly slow until he scream and beg for him to stop-

"Sebby...Sebbyyyyy~" The redhead whined with what's left of his energy.

Sebastian blink. "What?"

"I'm tired...very tired...stop walking..."

"But if we stop-"

"It's okay...it's too late anyway..."

Sebastian frowned. He knew himself that it's already too late, he can't save the redhead anymore. He arrived late and Grell had already loss that much of blood to survive. But he don't want to think about it, he wanted him to live, he don't want him to die...

"Please..." Grell breathed, already too weak to argue more.

Seeing the redhead's pale face, so fragile, he can't argue anymore and he nodded. He look around and found a huge tree they can took shelter at from the falling snow. He sat them both down beside it, Grell still in his arms. Sebastian stare at the redhead in his arms, his breathing starting to fade by the minute. He remained unmoving in his embrace, his half-lidded eyes dull and lack it's usual brightness. Sebastian hold him closer to him burying his nose at the top of Grell's head, a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach.

"Everything hurts..." The redhead voiced softly.

"I know...but stay with me for a little while longer, alright?"

Grell smiled and nodded, burying his face at the crook of the butler's neck.

"Dying for the second time...feels nice..."

Sebastian can't help but smirk. "How come?"

"You're holding me now..."

"If you don't die on me right this moment, I will hold you whenever you want."

"Lie..."

"I do not lie, Grell."

"But soon...it will end...like this falling ashes..."

_'Ashes?'_ Sebastian shook it off. "How'd you know about that?"

"Because I asked them."

"Who's_ them_?"

"The gods, the heavens, whoever is there to listen to me..."

Sebastian run his fingers lovingly on his redhead's now short hair. "Too bad, they will not grant it."

Grell heaved his last few breaths, trying his best to poke his lower lip in an adorable pout. "Why not...?"

"Because I asked them first." Sebastian said, smiling sadly at his beautiful redhead.

Grell let out a weak giggle and smiled at his handsome demon. "I love you...Sebas-chan~" He managed to say before completely closing his eyes. His breathing stopped together with his last heart beat.

"Rest my love. Soon...they will bring you back to me." The butler whispered softly. "I know for sure..." He said, but his voice give a hint of uncertainty. Sebastian held him tighter.

"And when you come back, I will tell you a secret..." Caressing his lover's cheek lovingly, he continued. "So you better come back."

With a sullen and pained expression on his face, he kissed his lover goodbye. _'If only that I've arrived sooner...'_

_"You better come back."_

_. . . ~*SC*~ . . .  
_**_FIN_**

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_Chiibii:_

_And we killed him again, so what? We're the bad guys now? You say that like you don't kill your favorite character in your stories! *points an accusing finger in your face* No...? *huffed* Yeah, go ahead and lie to yourself! It's not like we'd know~ = 3= And the title has nothing to do with the song you're thinking! We just suck at making titles and stuffs~ XDD And can you ever forgive our english grammar? QnQ_

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_Sadistic:_

_This made me very very nervous. If this comes out to be a 'not bad' fanfic and since it's my first fic request, I'll consider making an epilogue. = u = **So, please review everyone and tell me what you think.** It is much appreciated. Thank you for reading!_


	2. It Finally Stopped From Falling

**_______Ash Like Snow: Epilogue_**

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_Well, here yah go, the epilogue of ALS! YAY! OuO I had to finish this before my classes gets serious~ LOL. I super hates my school! XD Hopes you enjoy this epilogue~ It's the first I've written a whole chapter in Sebby's POV~ Kinda hard. orz_

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Sebastian breathed heavily, creating smokes of cold wind in his breath. It's the middle of winter and it was snowing very hard. London is not his favorite place in seasons like this, but it's been decades since he's been last seen in this place. He had started travelling every country known to earth since he had devoured Ciel's soul, it was the last he had fed. Since then he did not make anymore contracts with humans.

Why?

Because he don't want to waste anymore time serving those filthy humans anymore. Instead, he used all those decades searching. Searching for someone, someone who's existence is yet to be proved existing. But he believed strongly, that somewhere in this realm, that someone will come back. For him, to be with him. He did not lose hope in all these decades he's been searching. He did not change his name and stay as being Sebastian Michaelis,_ his Sebby~_ He smiled, remembering the pet name. Such loyalty was never a demon's trait, but this feeling that the redhead had pull out of him held something strongly and longingly for the one who had freed it.

"Grell..." He whispered softly, making his way into the quiet streets of London. Sebastian pulled his winter coat close to his body before putting his gloved-hands in its pockets.

But maybe this time he was wrong? All this years had prove nothing for him to keep his journey, maybe he's just wasting his time? Will he really come back? As a demon, he does not have the rights to pray, to ask something from the gods nor the heavens but in his desperation, he did. Not even caring if they would answer nor listen to him. But he needed them to bring him back to him. He wanted to make everything better for him this time, he only wished that they give him the chance to do so. But up until now, his prayers had fallen in deaf ears.

He's starting to doubt, starting to lose hope, and energy. It's been long since he last fed and Ciel's soul can't keep him full forever. Right now, he's starving. He thought of starting a new contract with a human again but no, he would wait a little more longer. Maybe this time...this time his redhead would finally come back to him.

Sebastian stopped in front of his late master's manor, the Phantomhive's. He visited every time he came in England, reminiscing memories that somehow he hold special to him. It was now nothing but an abandoned mansion. No one to keep it clean and cared for, the last servants were long since dead.

He walked pass through the gates, smiling to himself every time he remembers a certain bouncing red ball of energy trying to get a hug and a kiss (with tongue) from him in this very place. Those that he was not able to give to him. Sebastian sighed. Maybe he can use this manor as his own place while staying in this realm. He was very tired and hungry to be leaving the country soon. He walked inside, shaking the snow off his hair and coat before starting his clean up around the manor in his demonic speed and butler skill. He sure miss doing chores like this.

In just an hour, the manor looked like it has never been neglected. Everything in this country had change a lot but this manor didn't. It still hold the warm feeling of being_ home, _cold as it may be outside. But something is still not right, it felt _empty_. Being alone has never been an issue nor a problem for Sebastian, but now it's affecting him too much. He don't need sleep but the comfort of having a quiet mind is very much appreciated at this moment.

Sebastian drifted off as soon as he had lay himself to bed and close his eyes.

_"Sebas-chaaaan~! You still haven't given me the kiss the brat promised me!" Grell whined, trying desperately to cling in his right leg._

_"My master will not do such a thing. Now please get off me!"_

_"Noooo~! He did! Ask him!"_

_"I will if you would please let go of my leg." He said in exasperation._

_Grell pouted before hesitantly letting go._

Sebastian smiled. The redhead had looked very adorable pouting on the floor, but he was never able to admit it. He wanted to touch him, reach his hand to him and pet his head but his body won't listen to him, like something else is making him move.

Suddenly, everything swirled around him and soon find himself in the Phantomhive garden.

_A poking head of red hair has been sneaking around the bushes, waiting for a perfect timing to finally catch a certain butler in a passionate hug. But unfortunately for the owner of that head, the butler found him first._

Sebastian gasped when he felt his hand move on it's own and threw a knife at the redhead's direction.

_Grell yelp at the projectile targeting his beautiful face only an inch close before damaging its smooth skin._

_"Ohhh Sebby~! There you are! No need to throw dangerous things on me like that you know~" The redhead said in his most disturbing suggestiveness, before running towards the butler. Sebastian prepared himself on what to come next and side-stepped as soon as Grell threw himself once again on him but both being did not expect what happened next. Grell tripped before he could launch himself perfectly at his handsome demon resulting him to fall directly to where Sebastian decided to go to avoid him. _

_Sebastian was caught off guard and lose his balance sending them both on the ground, Grell on top of him._

'This had happened before...'

_The redhead groaned, before gasping as their position finally sink in. Grell squeal in his highest fanboy scream before taking advantage of the stunned butler under him, squeezing him in an all too happy hug._

_Sebastian finally awoke from his shock at the close contact. He growled. "What do you think you are doing, Grell?"_

_"I'm loving you Sebby~" The redhead replied in a fast cheerful manner._

_Sebastian pushed the redhead a little too rough off of him before standing up and brushing his clothes off of dirt and whatever virus the redhead got in him._

_"That's so rude..." Grell said quietly, rubbing his side at the rough treatment. Hurt evident in his shinigami eyes._

_"Touch me again and you will experience worst than that."_

_"But all I want is for you to let me love you Sebby...is that too much to ask?"_

_"Having to endure your presence on the process_ is_ 'too much'." He said coldly before walking back inside the manor, leaving a broken Grell behind._

Sebastian furrowed his brows. 'No...no...what are you saying... Stop!' He shouted, willing his body to turn back around and hold the broken redhead instead.

_"Why do you hate me so much...I love you..." Grell cried softly, whispering to himself._

Sebastian growled at his own self as he heard the redhead sobbed. 'What are you doing you idiot?! Turn back around!' Sebastian scolded himself, but it never did. His body kept on walking away, further away from the hurting redhead. _His_ broken redhead. 'Listen to me, dammit!' Sebastian snarled in frustration.

And then everything fades until there's nothing left but white. White as snow...

Sebastian took in his new surroundings, frustrated and confuse. But this time his body is his own, he was relieved at that. He squinted, there at the far distance he spotted something. Something...Red.

_"Grell..." He called, as we walk beside him._

_Grell's eyes slowly flutters open, a pair of tired and reddish eyes landing on his own. "Sebastian...? What...what is it?"_

_"Grell, what are you-"_

_"What...? You want me...to die too...right? You want me...to...die." The redhead said softly, averting his eyes back to the snowy ground._

Sebastian's brows narrowed. "What? No, no...why would I-"

_"You hate me too...you hate...why...?"_

He stare at him wide-eyed. It was like deja vu..._  
_

_Grell sat up straight, tears had started flowing down his tired eyes once again. "Why...? Why Sebastian? You don't like my hair...?" The redhead asked in his weak voice, getting hold of his red hair with his weakened and bloodied hands. "Then...let's take it off..."_

Sebastian reacted as soon as it falls down on him what's happening. He grab the hand that's holding Grell's death scythe before it can cut his beautiful red hair.

_"Grell stop this..."_

_"What is? You still...hate me...? What is it...? You hate...my face? You don't like...my face too right...Sebby?"_

"Grell don't...please stop..." He begged, kneeling beside him.

_"Let's...take it off too~" Grell smiled sadly, staring at nothing._

Sebastian reached his hands to him, taking Grell into his embrace. "No...please stop...please..." He wanted to save him...he wanted to... "Please...I love you. Come back to me Grell...please come back to me..." He cried to him over and over again, desperate, under those falling snow.

_"Soon it will end...like this falling ashes..." Grell said lastly, before drifting off of Sebastian's arms._

"No...no..." Sebastian's eyes widen as he watch him fade in his arms. "Grell!"

Sebastian snapped his eyes open, breathing heavily. A dream? A nightmare? He shook his head. It was a demon's job to bring nightmares, they bring them to people making it impossible to have their own. But those...

He put a hand in his forehead and calm his breathing. "Memories..." He breathed out.

He hates them all. All of them. Each scenes, each time, every part of it. Every part reminding him of how cruel he has been with Grell.

Sebastian stood and walked into the bathroom inside his room. He splash some cold water in his face wishing it would also clear his mind. Staying still for a bit longer as he stare at his reflection in the mirror in front of him, his eyes glowed in anger. But maybe he deserved it. The reason why he hasn't come back is because he does not deserve to have him back...

He does not deserve to have Grell back...

Sebastian snarled, his fist meeting the mirror in his fury breaking it into small sharp pieces. "Dammit..." A small sobbed find its way out of his lips, and all hell breaks lose. Everything inside the room went flying violently crashing into the walls. He screamed, his self-control fading by the passing seconds. He can't take it any longer, it's too much...for someone who's not suppose to feel any emotion, this is too much. A torture in his new found_ heart_.

"This is your fault...all your fault..." He hissed, meaning the words for Grell. "How dare you...leaving me...when my heart finally longs for you..." His heart screaming in pain. Sebastian gritted his teeth willing his self not to plunge his nails deep in his chest and pull his heart out of it to finally end it all. Maybe in his death, Grell would be there waiting for him.

But what if he's wrong again?

That night, for the first time of his immortal life, Sebastian cried. In desperation, frustration, and longing.

. . . ~*SC*~ . . .

Sebastian stare at the morning sky, the snow has yet to stop falling. _'Ashes...' _He let out a small smile. "Now that I think about it, it does look like falling ashes..."

Pulling his winter coat close around his body, he started walking through the falling_ ashes_. His outburst last night have helped him release a bit of the tension in his body, he would need to fix the walls of his room but at least he felt a little better. Maybe he would look around the town and see the new changes around, of course everyone he knew then was surely dead by now so there's no one else to actually visit. Though, there's the Undertaker but the fugitive still lingering around the area would not be a possibility since the last he have heard of him was when the Reapers of this country is hunting for his head.

Sebastian stood atop Big Ben staring at everything below, now he understands why Grell liked to be in this place. He would see the redhead then, most of the time, standing atop Big Ben with his demonic eyes whenever he's in town with his late young master. The redhead will just stand there and watch everything below him with his all to happy grin showing rows of his shark-like teeth, but always with pained looking eyes. But his flamboyant nature would always cover it for him.

Sebastian always took notice of it but he always choose to ignore it.

If only he'd done something about it, maybe Grell would still be here squealing his name and rubbing all over him. He did not know Grell was suicidal, but maybe he's also been deceived into thinking that. He had ignored everything not realizing that the redhead had started to get pass through him, through the walls he build around himself keeping everything and everyone out.

But regrets are always at the end, just like those humans say, you only realize what's important to you until they were gone. Humans are smart creatures too sometimes.

_'If only I knew how important he is to me from the very start...' _

He then shook his head. Thinking of what could have been will not help him at anything at all, nothing will change. Grell will remain dead. It will not bring him back no matter how many times he regrets everything that he'd done. But he cannot help but do so. Sebastian sighed, giving everything below a last glance before jumping off, but then his eyes caught on something. Most of the stores and alley had been changed but the funeral shop he knew so well was still standing where it belongs. His eyes though, can only see the signage above the roof and nothing else.

His curiosity win him over and he decided that he will give the shop a visit, maybe he was wrong and the Undertaker is still residing there.

He jumped down below Big Ben and used the street in his quest. He walked idly towards the shop, not having a sweat rounding the new alley ways towards the mortician's shop. He was too focused into what to expect when he get there that he did not took notice of the snow that finally stopped from falling. The sun rising beautifully into the morning sky giving it a mesmerizing glow.

Sebastian neared the shop but halted when he heard some voices speaking.

"You're telling me that this old creepy thing is the Legendary Reaper?! You have got to be kidding me! Even_ I_ looked more legendary than him!"

"Ohh dear~ Calling me a_ thing_ is a bit rude don't you think? Hmm~?"

Sebastian's eyes widen, those voices...it was Undertaker, he was sure of it. And...

In his realization, Sebastian run the few meters distancing him from those familiar voices and turn into the last alley to the funeral shop. He knew it...the owner of the other voice. The voice he have longed to hear for a very long time. There, in his formal reaper uniform, fresh from the Reaper Academy, is none other than Grell Sutcliff.

"Grell..." He breathed, still not believing what he is seeing. _'He came back...'_

Everyone at the vicinity tensed at the other's demonic aura, except for the two who knew exactly who own such strong demonic presence. The Undertaker grinned, he did not change one bit but even Sebastian had changed a bit, his hair now longer that pass a bit to his shoulders. "My, my~ Look who's here!" Undertaker cheered.

"Demon!" The redhead who's been poking an accusing finger on the mortician's face shouted after a moment, a very young looking Grell still in his cute short hair cut.

Sebastian was taken aback at the strong accusation. A sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach as realization hit him. "You don't remember..."

William, who's been glaring at him from a distance, cleared his throat. "I believe we have something to talk about."

He nodded hesitantly to the other before glancing at his redhead for the last time.

"Wait! What talking?! Let's kill it before it ate our soul collections! Will!" The young Grell demanded in all his aggressiveness, intending to kill his first demon in excitement.

"Be quiet Sutcliff. And how many times do I have to repeat myself about calling my name casually in public?"

"I only come in this field-trip because you said-"

"This is not a field-trip. We are here for your first assignment. Now, if you could keep him busy for a while Undertaker?"

"Yes, yes~ How about some cookies and tea m'dear~?" The Undertaker offer in a sing-song voice, dumping the redhead in his shoulder, who violently struggle, before walking inside his shop.

Sebastian watch them as they disappear behind the shop door, staring longingly at his stubborn redhead.

William coughs to regain the demon's attention. "I can only imagine what you came here for, demon."

"You know exactly what I came here for, reaper."

"I had hoped you died somewhere."

Sebastian smirked. "It's not bad to _dream,_ Mr. Spears."

William scoffed. "I know you came back for him, but I will have you know that I did not bring him back so that you can use him for your own entertainment _again_."

"You...bring him back?" Sebastian looked shocked at the other's statement.

"You look shocked. It's natural for us to decide whether a soul should be reaped to be judge or let it stay and serve the Divine if they are worth it."

"Ah, is that so. Well, it's just that I did not expect that you'd be the _god_ to answer my prayers." Sebastian let out a small laugh. "I've searched for a very long time around the world for his reincarnation you see, I never thought he would be reborn in this same place."

"Very funny, Mr. Michaelis. Unfortunately for you, I'm not one like the Undertaker who would laugh on whatever you say to him. And what even makes you think that Grell will be reborn?" William retorted, far from being amuse.

"I don't 'think' he will be._ I know_. And what I told you is not a joke though, I am truly grateful."

William cleared his throat awkwardly, not expecting the demon to be expressive of what he feels. "I did not bring him back for you. I have my own to atone in my past with him and I'm pretty sure you are the same."

"You bring him back so that you could erase your guilt? Unlike you Mr. spears-"

"I don't like hearing that from you, but I guess you can say that. But what I really wanted is for him to have a chance to live a happy life for a change. He's been close as a friend can ever be to me but I ignored it for a very long time until it drive him into taking his life, again. I don't know where that sudden feelings of yours for him came from but I warn you, if it brings pain-"

"I will not hurt him. Not ever again. I understand what you are trying to say and I admit that I took part in pushing him into taking his own life, but I assure you, I've learned my lesson. Now can I have _my_ redhead back?"

William was irked but then his frown was replaced by a small smirk in his stoic face. "I have one more thing to say though. If you must know, we reapers are not allowed to see our previous life, it is only Sutcliff's persistent and talent into sneaking around the library that lets him see his human life in his previous reaper life. Right now he don't remember you nor anything about you. Until his curiosity got out of control, the redhead that you claim is not _yours_."

"I'll take my chances." Sebastian smiled at him, intending to annoy the other to no end.

William huffed, before walking inside the shop and leaving the demon behind. Sebastian wait patiently outside, struggling hard at keeping all his excitement at bay. After hearing several colorful curses and swears inside the shop, a very angry looking redhead was thrown outside in a not gentle manner. "Damn you William! Go to hell! ! !" Kicking the poor old door of the funeral shop several times in his frustration.

Sebastian smirked, seeing his little redhead. "I don't think _hell_ would also want him to be there."

Grell turn to him, immediately summoning his newly made death scythe.

"Now, now. No need to get violent, I am not here to cause any trouble."

"Yeah right. Like hell I'll believe a creature like you!" Grell then revved his chainsaw to life, a bit too excited in using it, before running towards the demon with full intention of stabbing it through the demon's insides. But Sebastian moved fast, faster than Grell can ever be, being newly reborn and all. Sebastian met him half-way, catching the redhead off guard, using this opportunity to get a hold of the other's scythe and throwing it away.

Grell gasped at the lost of his death scythe but what surprised him more was the arm that manage to wrap around his waist and the hand holding his own that used to be holding his scythe. Sebastian did not waste any more time and immediately claim his redhead's lips. The redhead was stunned and was not able to react as soon, but Sebastian went on in lavishing his lips until the other starts to respond and return the kiss in the same vigor. Though it was soon ended when the redhead finally realize what they were doing.

Grell pushed him hard, struggling violently to get out of his embrace still panting from the kiss. "What the fuck?! Was that...a tongue?" He accused after feeling a wet muscle trying to invade his mouth. His eyes then widen, covering his mouth with his hand and the other pointing accusingly at the demon, he said, "Are you...are you gay?!"

Sebastian blink at him. If it weren't for the seriousness of the other, he would have laughed so hard right now rivaling that of the Undertaker. "Are you not?"

Grell's face burned in anger and embarrassment. "Are you saying I'm gay?!"

"What's wrong with that?" Sebastian said, nonchalantly.

"What's wrong?! What's wrong?! There's a lot-" The redhead started but was cut off when Sebastian moved with supernatural speed, capturing his lips into another hot kiss. But this time he had a strong hold on the redhead to keep him still. Grell give in easily, letting the demon to deepen the kiss making him weak in the knees that he have to give all his weight into Sebastian's strong arms for support.

Parting from the other, he said, "But you liked that kiss, do you not?"

Grell pants hard trying to catch his breath, his face a blushing mess. "How you make your tongue move like that...is that a demon thing?"

Sebastian smiled. "You could say that."

"Tell me, how'd you even know me? I just got out of the academy...I've never been outside, except the final exam..."

Sebastian only smiled. Remembering what William told him a while ago, he will not force those memories to Grell, it's not like they were good, he'd rather the redhead won't remember any of it at all. But he will remember him soon, at his own time. "I just know. I have a good sense where my _love_ would be."

Grell raised a brow at this. "I thought demons don't love? My professor says so."

"How did your professor know that? He's not a demon is he?"

"Well...you have a point."

Sebastian then run his fingers through his little redhead's short hair. With Grell not yet wearing his high-heeled shoes, their height difference is quite amusing.

"Will you let your hair stay this short? You look cute with it."

Grell's eyes narrowed in annoyance, but still did not move out of the demon's embrace. "I hate that word." He hissed.

"Adorable?"

"Ugh..." Grell sighed in frustration, burying his face on the other's chest. "I had a pussy brat as a partner in my final exam, got William -stuck-up in the ass- T. Spears as my Superior after graduation, and now a gay demon boyfriend that I don't even know what the name is..."

"Ah, how rude of me. My given name is Sebastian Michaelis, you remember that well Grell Sutcliff." He said, poking a finger on the redhead's nose that only earns him a glare from said redhead. "Though, 'boyfriend' sounds nice. Shall we get engage now?" Sebastian said amused, petting his redhead once again.

A palm of a hand then landed on Sebastian's face. "Don't say 'boyfriend'! We're not official yet!"

"But you said it first." He said, his words muffled by the hand still in his face.

"Shut up! I didn't say it!" Grell retorted like a girl in her monthly period.

"You did-"

"I didn't! ! !"

"But-"

"Shut up and just kiss me already!"

This made Sebastian smirked from ear to ear. Taking the hand in his face on his own gently, he said, "I can do that." before taking his redhead into a passionate kiss, promising a lot of love making in the future. His prayers has been answered after all, he will not waste it. And this time, he will make no mistake. He _is_ a Phantomhive butler after all.

A one hell of a butler at that.

"You want to know a secret Grell?"

Grell perk up, still blushing from their passionate kiss, and being all too excited. He likes secrets! His eyes demanding impatiently, the anticipation killing him.

Sebastian smiled lovingly at him. Leaning down to his cheeks, his lips brushing softly at the smooth skin until it reached his ear, he whispered. The secret he promised him that cold day of his second death. The one he kept for a very long time. He's finally able to say it.

_"I love you."_

Grell's eyes widen, he didn't know why but he felt like crying. It feels like he'd been longing to hear those words for a long time...hearing it from the handsome man holding him right now is just...too much. Grell felt everything inside of him exploded in pure joy, excitement, and uncontrollable passion. He tackle Sebastian, both of them falling on the ground, before nuzzling his head to the other's chest while purring in all his happiness.

"We're still not official boyfriends though."

Sebastian smirked. "I can live with that, so long that you will never leave my side."

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_**_FIN_**

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_Chiibii:_

_We are actually planning on leaving it in the part where Grell will never be reborn again. But I think you guys deserve a happy ending this time~ YAY! Hopes you enjoyed it as much as we enjoyed writing it~ OuO **PLEASE REVIEW~!** Sankyuuu very much for reading! :DD_

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_**IMPORTANT:** This epilogue got to us real baaad~ **We suddenly felt like making a SebbyxYoung!Grell fanfic~!** LOL. It was decided that it will be this story's sequel so that we won't need to make another story for it's history...orz It might be posted soon because the idea is still fresh and we're excited about it. XD** What do you think? :3**_


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